Doormaniacs!

There you are outside a certain establishment on a nondescript road awaiting the inevitable to happen like I was this weekend. There is a bit of a queue but at the end of the day this doesn't matter. The only thing between you and perhaps the best night of your life is this little group of people shuffling in, a slight cover on the door of a few coins and some funny looking, large fella who will happily be paid peanuts to stand outside a club all night and make sure that no trouble kicks off. A type of St. Peter at the gates of heaven if you will. They go under several different names, in areas they are referred to as 'Bouncers', elsewehere 'Doormen' and unfortunately for this young buck who decided that I didn't have the appropriate footwear on this occasion, I may have eluded to his high vis jacket and general appearance and referred to him as, and I quote, "A Fucking Highlighter Pen!".

Out of context this seems as though I was being rowdy, drunken and although quite funny at the time some might deem abusive. No, untrue. I had forgotten the shoe thing in London espeicially Chelsea because of the "Who really cares?" attitude that clubs up in Newcastle and in many other locations adopt, which to be fair is probably the right idea. Well, as soon as I get into this club I don't want to be in hideously uncomfortable footwear. I am a man and I want to drink, get messy and dance like it's 1999. Trainers are the best option for this type of behaviour. You wouldn't wear a cashmere jumper to go sunbathing in - same basic principle, it's just impractical. Let us all ditch these silly rules - if Kanye and Diddy can get away with it, why can't we all?

Second point, if anyone reads this who may well be a gentleman who plies his trade in this profession, can I implore you to be a bit more polite and nicer to everyone getting inside. You don't need to get rude, all you have to do to said offender is explain that it's your job and the rules set by the owner and that there is nothing you can do about this. After all he pays your wages and if he says jump, you're inevitably going to scream "How high boss?". The general public understand this Mr. Doorman and no matter how drunk we may well be the majority are going to accept this fact. Don't try and infer that we can't afford nice shoes, Don't come at us all rude and unhelpful, No swearing or derogatory comments. Not only is it not needed but it is just unecessary to say the least.

Therefore, I implore all doormen out there to take this advice and move forward. Let's make the experience of clubbing and having a good time exactly that: A good time!

Unfortunately, hardly any of you can turn on a computer let alone fucking read so I'm not exactly preaching to the choir.